A Review of the Olympic Games by Someone Who Didn’t Watch Them

We tasked one of our copywriters with composing a review of the Rio 2016 Olympic Games. When he handed it in, it was immediately clear that he hadn’t seen any actual coverage—a reflection of this year’s precipitous drop in viewership. Presumably, the whole thing was written based on a cursory glance of the first three pages of a Google search (and, if the final paragraph is any indication, the chemical push of highly illegal psychedelic substances). To punish him, we’re posting the piece in full.

The Olympics. The height of human physical achievement, and a chance for the world to unite in the relative discomfort of trying to ignore the war crimes and human rights violations perpetrated by some of the competing nations.

The opening ceremony was a sight to behold, celebrating all that Brazilian culture has to offer. Dancers in brightly colored costumes represented the vibrant vivacity of the rain forest. Indigenous peoples were paraded in front of the crowd, continuing a noble and storied tradition of exploitation.  Famous super model Gisele walked for a very long time. She just like, walked across the whole stadium. So, that was a thing that happened.

There was some controversy regarding the cleanliness of the water being used in the pools. The alarmingly high levels of contaminants caused the Russian team to boycott not only the swimming events, but pretty much the entirety of the Olympic games, and Michael Phelps to break out in weird hives all over his body. The unsanitary conditions also seemed to affect the cognitive abilities of the Filipino diving team, who were totally high-fiving each other for their sweet belly flops.

The Americans continued to crush it in a whole bunch of categories, except for track, where Usain Bolt has more than proved to be the most aptly named person in the world. Simone Biles quadruple back-flipped into the nation’s heart. Her literally death-defying routine stunned the world, and made anyone under 30 say, “who the hell is Kerri Strug?”

During the closing ceremony, as the flame was extinguished, and the mesmerizing, hyper-spherical sun disc ceased its four-dimensional rotation, Super Mario leapt from a green pipe in the center of the stadium to remind everyone that we are all just like a red rubber ball, bouncing across this blue-green marble in the unfathomable vastness of the universe. Do you bounce with joy? Do you bounce with love? When you realize that the wellspring of energy that spurs you to bounce is the heart of universal consciousness, it becomes possible to see all the rubbery vicissitudes of life as a gift. Jai guru deva, om.

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